This is from a rather trying day, back in July of 2007. It's amazing I didn't go to jail that day...
I crossed paths with a few exceptional idiots today, and I felt the need to share the experiences with all y'all.
The first two idiots, we'll call them Gas Station Assholes, I saw this morning. I had to get gas on my way to work, so I stopped at the neighborhood gas station. Apparently Tuesday morning is a popular time to get gas because the gas station was a clusterfuck. I was thinking about passing it and seeing how far I could get on my 1/2 gallon I had left when someone pulled out, leaving me the perfect opening. Hmmmm...maybe this isn't going to be so bad after all. So I get out, swipe my card and start pumping gas. Now comes the best part of getting gas, people watching!
I am watching my neighbors and fellow procrastinators that were too tired/drunk/lazy to get gas last night when I notice a very nice BMW 550i pull up on the other side of the pump I'm on. It had 4 men in it. They were all kind of fat (this becomes important later) Two of them get out, the driver and a backseat passenger. They go inside. They are inside the whole time I am filling up. Now I am thinking to myself, "wow, that is a really slow cashier and that sucks for all the poor people lined up to get gas, waiting for a pump to open up."
Right about then my pump is done and the two guys from the BMW come out loaded down with chips, soda, candy, etc... (you get the picture) They get in the car and DRIVE AWAY. They don't get gas. At all. They just sit their fat asses down in the car and leave. The parked at a pump to go get junk food. Now maybe you're thinking that there aren't any spots at the gas station. There are, they are simply on the far side of the lot, so you're looking at walking MAYBE an additional 200 feet.
THESE LAZY MOTHERFUCKERS TOOK UP A GAS PUMP FOR OVER 5 MINUTES BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO WALK 200 EXTRA FEET!!! AND TRUST ME, THEY COULD HAVE USED THE WALK!
The next idiot I had to deal with today we'll refer to as Walmart Dipshit. I had to go get ammo to go to the range tonight. So I go to Walmart - they have the best prices on small quantities. I grab a couple of things I need then head over to sporting goods, where they sell ammo.
I hate Walmart, I should tell you that now, because there is NEVER an "associate" in sporting goods. So I set my stuff down on the counter and wander off looking for an employee to help me. I am about to give up and go find a phone somewhere and figure out how to page an employee when a guy in a blue shirt walks up. I ask him if he works in sporting goods (if not, he is useless to me, he won't have the magical key that opens the ammo case) and he says, "Yes I do, don't you feel lucky?" EXCUSE ME? I was so surprised by this that I didn't have time to filter myself so I actually muttered "You've got to be kidding me" to which Walmart Dipshit replied, "Nope, it's your lucky day, you get to interact with me!" I couldn't hold the laughter in. And that just egged him on more.
Rather than have a conversation with him, I just say "I need one box each of .38, .357 and 9mm 50 count please". I guess he couldn't just get those out and sell them to me because he asked me if I didn't want to get some paintballs or airsoft pellets instead. "No, thank you, I would like real bullets for my real guns." That must have been some secret code for please talk to me some more, because this moron subjected me to 5 minutes of how great a shot he is. I DON'T CARE. REALLY. I DON'T. I hand him my card and ask him to please make it debit card, hoping he'd get the hint to hurry the fuck up.
Then he asks if I want the "value packs". No thanks, the 50 quantity that I specified earlier is still fine. That prompted him to tell me that I was making a mistake by not buying more. Enter Walmart Dipshit 2, they come in pairs. He starts in with, "Where you shooting?" Now I know that anytime you but ammo they are supposed to ask you where you are going shooting, so I tell them the truth, "I am going to the range this evening". Dipshit 2 tells me that I don't want the ammo I am buying and actually starts to try and sell me their cheap shitty stuff that jammed my 9mm up BAD last time. The time has come to get rude. "I don't want that ammo, it is kind of dirty and gunks up the gas chamber on my 9mm. Please just sell me what I asked for. I don't care what you think, you don't know what I'm shooting and I don't care how great a shot your associate is, just sell me the damn ammo, PLEASE" That did the trick, I got out of there in about 22 seconds. I almost felt bad, but not really.
Now at this point I realize I shouldn't be in public anymore, I should go home and have a drink. Or two... But I still have one more stop, Trader Joe's.
So I run in, grab what I need and get in line. The lines are all really long so as I am standing there I look around at everything else they have. About 5 feet away from me is a display for cat litter, which was great, because I totally forgot that I needed to change the litter box tonight. Sweet, I take three steps away from my cart (I left it in line because there is NO WAY that the line will move in the 3 seconds I am gone) when I meet Idiot 4. I call her "Batty" because she is an old bat. She walks right up, pushes my cart out of her way and takes my spot in line. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME! I wrestled with the idea of just beaning the old bat with a 10 lb bag of kitty litter, but I realized that I really didn't want to end the day with an assault charge. So I retrieved my cart, put my litter in it and got back in line, behind Batty. Right about that time another cashier opened up and came right up to me and invited me over to his check stand. Batty didn't look too happy about being passed up for the new lane and was about to say something when I started laughing. It was all too much and I gave in to the hysterical laughter. I am sure the nice people at Trader Joe's think I am insane...I am starting to wonder about that, too!
So now I am home, armed and ready to go shooting...If only I could get pictures of all of today’s idiots and make my own targets...
I crossed paths with a few exceptional idiots today, and I felt the need to share the experiences with all y'all.
The first two idiots, we'll call them Gas Station Assholes, I saw this morning. I had to get gas on my way to work, so I stopped at the neighborhood gas station. Apparently Tuesday morning is a popular time to get gas because the gas station was a clusterfuck. I was thinking about passing it and seeing how far I could get on my 1/2 gallon I had left when someone pulled out, leaving me the perfect opening. Hmmmm...maybe this isn't going to be so bad after all. So I get out, swipe my card and start pumping gas. Now comes the best part of getting gas, people watching!
I am watching my neighbors and fellow procrastinators that were too tired/drunk/lazy to get gas last night when I notice a very nice BMW 550i pull up on the other side of the pump I'm on. It had 4 men in it. They were all kind of fat (this becomes important later) Two of them get out, the driver and a backseat passenger. They go inside. They are inside the whole time I am filling up. Now I am thinking to myself, "wow, that is a really slow cashier and that sucks for all the poor people lined up to get gas, waiting for a pump to open up."
Right about then my pump is done and the two guys from the BMW come out loaded down with chips, soda, candy, etc... (you get the picture) They get in the car and DRIVE AWAY. They don't get gas. At all. They just sit their fat asses down in the car and leave. The parked at a pump to go get junk food. Now maybe you're thinking that there aren't any spots at the gas station. There are, they are simply on the far side of the lot, so you're looking at walking MAYBE an additional 200 feet.
THESE LAZY MOTHERFUCKERS TOOK UP A GAS PUMP FOR OVER 5 MINUTES BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO WALK 200 EXTRA FEET!!! AND TRUST ME, THEY COULD HAVE USED THE WALK!
The next idiot I had to deal with today we'll refer to as Walmart Dipshit. I had to go get ammo to go to the range tonight. So I go to Walmart - they have the best prices on small quantities. I grab a couple of things I need then head over to sporting goods, where they sell ammo.
I hate Walmart, I should tell you that now, because there is NEVER an "associate" in sporting goods. So I set my stuff down on the counter and wander off looking for an employee to help me. I am about to give up and go find a phone somewhere and figure out how to page an employee when a guy in a blue shirt walks up. I ask him if he works in sporting goods (if not, he is useless to me, he won't have the magical key that opens the ammo case) and he says, "Yes I do, don't you feel lucky?" EXCUSE ME? I was so surprised by this that I didn't have time to filter myself so I actually muttered "You've got to be kidding me" to which Walmart Dipshit replied, "Nope, it's your lucky day, you get to interact with me!" I couldn't hold the laughter in. And that just egged him on more.
Rather than have a conversation with him, I just say "I need one box each of .38, .357 and 9mm 50 count please". I guess he couldn't just get those out and sell them to me because he asked me if I didn't want to get some paintballs or airsoft pellets instead. "No, thank you, I would like real bullets for my real guns." That must have been some secret code for please talk to me some more, because this moron subjected me to 5 minutes of how great a shot he is. I DON'T CARE. REALLY. I DON'T. I hand him my card and ask him to please make it debit card, hoping he'd get the hint to hurry the fuck up.
Then he asks if I want the "value packs". No thanks, the 50 quantity that I specified earlier is still fine. That prompted him to tell me that I was making a mistake by not buying more. Enter Walmart Dipshit 2, they come in pairs. He starts in with, "Where you shooting?" Now I know that anytime you but ammo they are supposed to ask you where you are going shooting, so I tell them the truth, "I am going to the range this evening". Dipshit 2 tells me that I don't want the ammo I am buying and actually starts to try and sell me their cheap shitty stuff that jammed my 9mm up BAD last time. The time has come to get rude. "I don't want that ammo, it is kind of dirty and gunks up the gas chamber on my 9mm. Please just sell me what I asked for. I don't care what you think, you don't know what I'm shooting and I don't care how great a shot your associate is, just sell me the damn ammo, PLEASE" That did the trick, I got out of there in about 22 seconds. I almost felt bad, but not really.
Now at this point I realize I shouldn't be in public anymore, I should go home and have a drink. Or two... But I still have one more stop, Trader Joe's.
So I run in, grab what I need and get in line. The lines are all really long so as I am standing there I look around at everything else they have. About 5 feet away from me is a display for cat litter, which was great, because I totally forgot that I needed to change the litter box tonight. Sweet, I take three steps away from my cart (I left it in line because there is NO WAY that the line will move in the 3 seconds I am gone) when I meet Idiot 4. I call her "Batty" because she is an old bat. She walks right up, pushes my cart out of her way and takes my spot in line. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME! I wrestled with the idea of just beaning the old bat with a 10 lb bag of kitty litter, but I realized that I really didn't want to end the day with an assault charge. So I retrieved my cart, put my litter in it and got back in line, behind Batty. Right about that time another cashier opened up and came right up to me and invited me over to his check stand. Batty didn't look too happy about being passed up for the new lane and was about to say something when I started laughing. It was all too much and I gave in to the hysterical laughter. I am sure the nice people at Trader Joe's think I am insane...I am starting to wonder about that, too!
So now I am home, armed and ready to go shooting...If only I could get pictures of all of today’s idiots and make my own targets...
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